From India With Love

Four months and still counting. My honeymoon stage with India is finally over and it is time to dance the tides.

Last night I have reached the boiling point when I started questioning the very essence of my being here. Frustration has its way of switching off the light in me that tells me I am not a quitter and that the best is yet to come. I gave in to my weaknesses and succumb to my usual self and waived the white flag and put myself to sleep.

I slept for 15 hours and woke up feeling a little better because I got to talk to my roommate Jen. She lets me let it out and it gives me some relief. She always says "good morning" when I wake up and she is around (she is always up ahead of me), and says "goodnight" before she goes to bed (she always sleeps earlier than me).

Over coffee we get to tell how the day went.

I almost said no to going to the other side of town to go see another friend Louise, because I knew I would just be cranky and all I would be doing is bitch about how my day went.

I just realized however, that no matter how I felt, I should get up, change and show up.

I am glad I did just that.

I showered and dressed and sat for a while and browsed through my work again. Something in me has been stirred by the pictures I myself took for my assignment here in India. I have realized I am not doing this for just one particular person or for one particular organization, I was doing my work for these women and children, and that no matter how hard things can be to get a job done, the fact is, it can be done. I just have to find ways to move around the problem and sort it out.

As I stared at the pictures, I heard Jen's voice from the door suggesting that we leave early so she can buy her farewell present for Louise.

I grabbed my scarf and went out of my room, this time in a chirpy mood.

After three shared auto rickshaw rides and ten minutes of walking, all three of us sat at a table at our favorite cafe called Cafe Coffee Day and chatted over coffee.

Then went back to Louise's apartment and had a sumptuous pasta dinner that she prepared for us, and chatted the night away.

The farewell gifts were unwrapped.

I took a moment. I had my present long before this night. I had my present from Jen the afternoon she met me at the train station, and I had my present from Louise the afternoon we went to see Lingaraj Temple.

I am not the one leaving soon because I have just arrived, but I think the hardest part of volunteering is having to say goodbye to the people you have grown a certain fondness with, to say goodbye to friends, not just a fellow volunteer.

I am sorry Louise that I am bailing out on you for another moonlit night in Puri for christmas, because I am not good with goodbyes.

I am sorry Jen that I am not a huggy kind of person because I am not good with affections.

I am glad I have met you both here in India and indeed goodbyes can be hard but then we will always have India, and we have had good times.

Cheers and Enjoy each journey!

Feeling Better by Making Someone Else Feel Better

Exchanging text messages is like a habit for us Filipinos. It has become a national habit to pass the time. Network providers must be earning millions everyday for every text message that is sent every minute every hour of every day. Since it became a fad, it has also become a way of reaching people not only within the country but all over the world. It has been the biggest factor in saving lives in times of natural calamities. It is also responsible for breaking someone's heart or making someone smile. It has become personal.

It is also my habit nowadays to check my phone for messages even before I even get to brush my teeth when I wake up every morning. My mind has been conditioned to do so. It is a habit.

Today, I woke up to read a text message from a fellow volunteer in India telling me how she already feels like going home because she does not feel the love. This is also another self-expression I have come up with every time I feel down I would say, I am not feeling the love. So she said, she wants to go home because she does not feel she is being appreciated by the organization she is volunteering for.

I told her, as I silently told myself, it is just like having a relationship with a man you love so much yet you feel it is unrequited because your expectations are not met. Just because you do not see or feel the kind of love you want him to give you does not mean he does not love you. Most relationships fail because of a certain standards, because of certain expectations, and almost always, we feel we are not loved.

In the same way that just because you do not get a pat in the back by your boss does not mean you are not appreciated for a job well done. Some people are like that. Sometimes words get in the way, and affection, very often than not, is also hard to come by especially if there are cultural differences to consider.

She then told me she would also apply this analogy to her ever faltering relationship with her boyfriend.

I take it that she liked what I told her. I take it that she appreciated my sincere efforts to make her feel better.

I am feeling better myself now.

Someone also told me that I laugh too much and I smile a lot lately. There must be someone who makes me acting like crazy nowadays.

Yes there is someone, and that someone is me. I am loving myself more and more now, by appreciating the little things I can do and accepting the things I cannot do. I am feeling better now because every little step does make the difference. I have accepted the fact that I cannot change the world but there are the little things that I can do to make a difference.

So I say, send a text today and make someone feel better and I promise you that you will feel better too.

Cheers!